Word Storms Fall From My Lips

Quiet love

“Why should we stay?”, she said as our legs dangled lazily off the pier into the warm waters while the sunset’s dying rays flickered on the wave’s rhythmic current.

“Well, I have no family but you still have your mom”, I said admiring her beautiful, long eyelashes lining her breathtakingly hazel eyes. My how I never tire of them. Not now, not after our seven years of friendship, not ever.

Catching me lost in her hypnotizing eyes, she half smiled that shy smile I’ve seen a million times before never ceasing to take my breath away.

“You know, we don’t have to decide tonight. There is no rush.” I said selfishly knowing full well my only reason for living was to see her smile. Nothing else mattered.

“I know Shell. I know. I just don’t see the purpose of tolerating another day when we don’t have to.” She said, watching me closely for my reaction and all I could think was, God i love it when she calls me Shell. Only she could make Shell sound good.

I put my hand over hers as we sat there lamenting our fate whilst the sun dove lower and lower in the horizon.

“If all we ever do for the rest of our lives is sit hand in hand on this dock, that would be fine with me.” I said longing to kiss the face staring back at me but knowing her love for me wasn’t the same as my undying love for her.

“Thats really sweet Shell. I love you ya know. You’re my best friend.” She said as she scooted closer to me, resting her head on my shoulder.

And there it was. All we will ever be. Ill always be Shelly ‘best friend’ and she will always be Mandy 'love of my life. Those roles will never change though deep inside I hoped my love would not only choose to remain on this earth willingly, but also realize, im more than her best friend, I could be her love too.

I didnt know if that would ever happen but in that moment, I didnt care. Her hand in mine, her beautiful auburn head snuggling my shoulder, I sensed what she would never dare say outloud. Whatever happens next is fine with me because I’m in heaven right now.

lesbian kiss relationship i love you

Moments lost and Remembered but Never Now

Never can I experience the moment as my mind worries for tomorrow and my heart is lost in yesterday, leaving only uncertainty in my soul.

Never now only thinks of yesterday

Never now worries of tomorrow’s day

Never now loses today

Never now never moves on

Never now today is gone

Hopeless sadcore

Souls of War

Once upon a time a girl, born with faith in her heart and hope in her eyes, became crushed by the world - day by day, week by week, month by month until years had passed and her spirit sunk from life’s cruel words,buried under love that used to be until it wasn’t, leaving tomorrow’s dreams bleeding from her body.

The hope once shone in her eyes dissolved into nothingness inside her while the faith once housed in her heart dissolved leaving her in blackness in her already colorless world. Moment by moment, her world folded up on her, squeezing her will to live until she was nothing more than a breathing being void of emotion. She just was. And that is how she existed day after day. Just being.

But, somewhere within her, a tiny piece of her buried in her chest screamed out day after day for her lost hope and forgotten faith. No one heard her and if they did, little was known about how to make her feel like living again. Only she could wage the war between her mind and soul.

11/24/19

Suicide thoughts hope faith help

Another Day Open eyes, heavy heart I know the drill The fight will start A forever battle I pray Ill win even as I choose the end This life of mine This supposed gift feels like a curse I’ve been anchored with My armors on I’ve drawn my sword To battle words Only I have heard In my head and in my soul I know the truth living is the goal But my how demons cackle and caw My only hope is to end it all Will I win will I fail The sad truth is Only time will tell

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Words from those invaded by Depression:

“Depression. Such a simple word that doesn’t even come close to describing the agonizing implications it can have on one’s life. Seriously, it should be renamed to accurately convey the deadliness it can wreak on one’s existence. Alien invasion would be a more accurate name choice; and not the extraterrestrial kind. No, depression is not from another world but from inside one’s own mind and the battle is real, deadly, and never ceases, continuously being fought despite the outward smiles, laughter, and good times.” C.C Salem

“Depression takes over your thoughts, beliefs, and actions by waging war within your mind tormenting you but sometimes a tiny piece of you still exists within its alien conquering and cries out to be heard, hoping the majority of your brain taken over by this deceitful monster doesn’t succumb to its constant demands to end your life as if that is the only solution to stop the hurting.” Amy W.

“This depraved alien invader known as Depression, lives with us day in and day out constantly reminding us how worthless, friendless, and unloved we are despite having friends, a job, or a life. None of it is real, depression hisses, its fake, you’re fake and if anyone knew the real you, they would recoil. You’re no good at your job, at being a friend, at being you. Hosting this terrible beast in our mind drains us, exhausts us, and barely leaves any time for real living. That is why we sleep all day, or drink, or use other substances to shut the beast up. It’s the only way the voices are quieted.” Gary R.

“A catch 22 if there ever was one. The only way to silence the demons in my head is to put them to sleep, or drink or drug them away which makes life unlivable anyway. No wonder so many opt for eternal rest. Regardless, I resist the urge to end my life every day. I look for some light, any light, my daughter’s smile, my grandsons laugh, anything I can hold on to as a reason for staying here when all I want to do is sleep forever.” Tony L.

‘”I hope we can all find our light. Just one thought, one picture in our head, one quote that speaks to us during our moments of hopelessness. Depressions invasion needs to be dealt with one moment at a time. It’s our only chance. Hopefully one day, we won’t have to find our light any more, we’ll be bathed in it.” Me

suicude surving suicide hope survival love

Keep Fighting Warriors!

Depression is not a chaotic force loudly crashing into your life alerting you of its presence the instant it arrives. No, Depression comes quietly, sneaking into your psyche gradually, appearing

In your thoughts a day here, a night there, existing almost undetected until the days and nights between depressing thoughts shortens and the spiraling has led you to the pit of sorrow without even knowing you were on the way there.

No, Depression is not obvious at first. It doesn’t come in with a bang rather, it begins as a whisper, softly chanting words in your head day in and day out, from the moment you open your eyes to sunlight til you close them at sunset. Depression fills your head with haunting thoughts designed to weaken you, taking you away from your family, your job, and your life.

Depression is a bitch of an opponent, always mocking your accomplishments as trivial, your actions as illogical, and your sorrow as justified. It’s no wonder we lose so many to Depression. It tricks your mind into believing you’re not worthy of a tomorrow. How do you fight such an enemy when it lives within you?

There is no easy answer or miracle cure, you simply fight. Recognize Depression for the nasty beast it is and ignore its deprecating chants of, ‘you’re so fat, stupid and ugly’. Pay no attention to its judgements of, ‘you’ll never amount to anything and your time is over, there’s no reason for you to remain here, everyone will be better off without you’. Your mind is probably the number one weapon in your arsenal in battling Depression which is quite ironic since your mind is how depression attempts to destroy you.

Turn the tables on Depression, fight, even if your heart and soul don’t feel up to the task, train your mind to be your warrior NOT Depression’s warrior. Practice your own chants, “I am worthy, my body is fine, I count in this world and I am loved’. Chant the opposite of whatever dark insult Depression throws at you in the moment matching its negative by speaking your positive.

This, along with other soldiers you have in your army - exercise, healthy eating, adequate sleep, herbal supplements, or anti-depressants - can work with your mind to keep Depression on the outskirts of your thoughts rather than dominating them.

Here’s to me and you, and to all others fighting the good fight against this demon known as Depression. May we be lucky enough to defeat this bastard with our lives intact.

Suicide thoughts life hope warriors fighting will

My many me’s

I watch her studying me intently, the cogs of her mind turning things thoroughly to get a sense of whether I am in fact, in need of a psychiatric stay. I’m tempted to spew out everything I know she wants to hear to avoid just that but in the end, I say fuck it - Maybe a little stay at the psyche ward is a necessary layover to sanity.

“So, you mentioned your other “you” to your daughter. Can you discuss this other “you” further? Help me understand where you’re coming from?” she asks, her words thick with physciatrist overtones, void of actual human emotion or empathy. No, she is here strictly for her job not for compassion.

I begin with the truth, quickly making her assessment very easy.

“Most of the time I want to die but i don’t act on it.” I answer looking down at my wrists tied securely to the gurney, so heartbreakingly amused by the circumstances that landed me here, a giggle escapes along with the words cementing my mandatory three day stay at ‘Failing fucking psychos of life’ sanitarium. “Well, almost never, the other “me” usually has all the reasons why I shouldn’t end my life.”

“So, this other “you” is a voice inside your head? A positive force in your life?” she queries further, barely raising her eyes from the keyboard as her long upscale fingernails clack away putting my words on her computer.

“No, “me” is not a voice. It’s a projection - of me, only a better version of me. Maybe a me I could grow into a few years from now. You know, a successful, thinner, non-anxiety ridden, adored by all after I write a winning novel “me”. Haven’t you ever pretended to be someone you aren’t because you aren’t who you want to be?” I asked genuinely curious if I was the only freak to ever act out scenarios of my life as the person I wish I was instead of who I am.

Her expression, a mix of confusion and fatigue told me she had not ever done such a thing and tired but obligated to ask her scripted questions aimed at determining if I’ll lay my head in my own bed or a facilities cot. I knew I was getting the cot.

1/1/2018

sectioned depression suicidal therapy

Word Storms Fall From My Lips

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